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15 Questions to Ask Before Marriage
Originally published in The New York Times, these questions come from relationship experts in the U.S. They’re meant to help couples see if their values and life plans align. These 15 questions aren’t just about simple "yes" or "no" answers. They require both partners to reach a deep understanding and make detailed plans for the future.

1. Do we want to have kids? If so, who will take on the main responsibility for raising them?

2. What are our financial goals and earning potential? Do we have different views on spending and saving?

3. How will we run our household? Who will take charge if any risks or challenges arise?

4. Have we shared our full health histories with each other, including mental health?

5. Are our parents' attitudes towards our relationship what we expected? Will they give us their full support? If not, how will we handle it?

6. Have we openly talked about our sexual needs, preferences, and any fears we have?

7. Is it okay to have a TV in the bedroom? (This covers lifestyle differences—like opinions on pets, different tastes, snoring, one person being tidy and the other messy, etc.)

8. Can we really listen to each other and treat each other’s thoughts and concerns fairly?

9. Do we understand each other’s emotional needs and beliefs? Have we talked about how we want to raise our kids?

10. Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11. Can we respect each other’s parents? Have we considered how they might try to influence our relationship?

12. What’s the most annoying thing about my family to you?

13. What are the things we will never give up because of our marriage?

14. If one of us needs to move away for work, would we be okay with that?

15. Are we both confident we can face challenges together and keep our marriage moving forward?

These questions are only relevant if both partners truly love each other, of course. If there’s no love, there’s no point in asking.

The real value of asking these questions is to help you both navigate the known and unknown challenges of marriage. How will we face tough situations together? How will we handle it when one of us falls short or when we don’t agree?

If you’re both deeply in love but feel uneasy about these questions, you might not be ready for marriage yet. Many people in modern China place too much focus on the idea that love can solve all problems, while underestimating the complexities of marriage. This mindset has contributed to the high divorce and infidelity rates among people born in the 1980s and 1990s.

While these 15 questions are based on American family structures, marriage views in China differ due to cultural and societal differences. So, I think Chinese couples should also consider the following questions before tying the knot:

Questions About Parents:

• After we’re married, will we live on our own or with our parents?

• Can we make decisions for our small family without our parents’ influence (like about home renovations or job changes)?

• Whose house do we visit for New Year’s Eve? Does it always have to be the groom’s side, or will we alternate?

Questions About the Home:

• Is it a must to buy a house before getting married? (Especially common in big cities like Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen)

• Who’s name should be on the property title? Do we need to pay the mortgage together?

Questions About Children:

• When do we want to have kids?

• After the baby is born, should we hire a nanny, or will our parents come help?

• What if our views on parenting differ from our parents’? How will we handle it?

• If we don’t want kids right away, can we handle the pressure from our families?

• Can the baby take the mother’s surname?

Financial Questions:

• How will we divide our incomes? Who will manage the finances?

• For purchases over a certain amount, should we discuss them first?

Questions About Interactions with the Opposite Sex:

• How much contact with the opposite sex is acceptable? Is it okay for one of us to hang out one-on-one with a colleague of the opposite sex?

If these questions are making you feel anxious, it’s even more important to have an open conversation with your partner. Turning romantic love into a practical, everyday life isn’t easy.

As the saying goes, “Love is easy, living together is hard.” Just look at how a simple question like whether to hire a nanny can spark heated debates online. Marriage is not just about the couple—it’s about joining two families, and many of the questions above involve our parents. As adults, we need to set boundaries between our small family and our extended family, so that our marriage can have a strong foundation.